When I started this blog I did say it would be about thoughts tidbits and tips for and from all aspects of like right?? If I didn’t, I’m saying it now…
Yesterday was my second wedding anniversary – YAAAAY!! and Yup! We are the terrible twos… only toddlers in the marriage business and just primary school aged in the relationship. Today, while chatting with one of my sister’s friends, she asked me what I’d learned over the past two years of marriage. And going against everything I tell my students, I just jumped into the answer with little thought to what I really wanted to say. I think my first brief thought was “OMG! I know nothing, I now start, I’m not the one to ask”, followed by “Sheesh Tee doh say nothing stupid to the girl eh!” ….. So now in true virgo style, having overthunk it for the past hour I now have what I think is something more sensible to offer.
Let me start by repeating that this was my SECOND wedding anniversary and I am NOW starting in this thing so I really know VERY LITTLE. However, I read a lot and I have a supportive web of ladies and couples that catch me, prop me up and keep me positioned right where I need to be. I see no harm in sharing what’s stuck with me the most of the past 3 odd years as I prepped for marriage and have navigated these first 2 years. Much of what I share now I got from my fantastic network. Here are my 4 main things.
Be Honest and Open about your FINANCES – Let me tell you something, I never thought that finances could break your relationship BUT….! One month into the marriage and two months into a new job my husband had some serious health issues that had him out of work for 3 weeks. Soon after that he left that job and was not working for almost a year. IF we were not honest, and open we would be a memory and this would be a ‘what could have been’ reflection. Financial issues hit you HARD. Bills come fast and furious and ON TIME. Money does not stretch any further than it can and no matter how much you wish, your wallet does NOT produce extra money because you ask it to. The funny thing is it’s mostly NOT about the money (though I imagine there is another side to this too where lost money and dishonesty are concerned). It is about the feeling that men have about being providers and being the bread winners of the family. It is about you tempering your own frustration at the situation – not him – and understanding that sometimes you – in your secure job – will NEVER understand what he is going through and you just need to tuck your tail in and SUPPORT and be there for him. It is knowing your husband and understanding that sometime supporting him will mean NOT understanding.
Communicate Clearly, Unreservedly and Unashamedly – I had NEVER spoken so much to someone I was NOT in a relationship with before. Entering into our ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ stage we spoke endlessly. We touched on pasts, futures, presents, things we did wrong, things we did right, things we never should have done. FYI – I hate to be wrong and embarrassed so some of these conversations were a step WAY outside the box for me but so worth it. At the age and stage we were, neither of us was interested in pussy-footing around any situation. There are many days that the insight from those conversations serve us well and I do not regret them at all.
Surround Yourself with a Bess Tribe – I was a little skeptical about this one at first. I read a post that spoke about surrounding yourself with other married couples and people in relationships and I thought but I have some awesome single friends too. However, just considering the valuable info and advice I’ve received from other married people, I am a believer! I’m not talking only people your own age either: older/more mature couple have the most meaningful and real advice to offer. They don’t make joke and the reality is that they’ve been in it to win it since long time. My girls, who I call my women, are honest about the realities of marriage in a way that most articles and books are not and I will forever appreciate that about them.
Always Have An Immovable Support System – This support system is slightly different to the married couples above. Have people you can vent to and with, without fear of judgement. I agree with those who say that you shouldn’t bash or complain too much or in too much detail with your friends and family because you will forgive your significant other and move on and they will NOT. However, I DO see the need for a group of friends that you trust, who can listen and give you the space and appropriate responses while not judging you or your situation. Sometimes what you need, is a good evening with your girls, some wine, good ole gossip and vent space. Seriously though, this sometimes helps to calm you down, gives you better perspective and allows you a moment, to stop and think before you act or speak rashly.
Last thing – Have you read the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz??? No?? Go do it now. Really! Go now and read it. It is magic. I read it recently and it has brought me peace in so many ways I am recommending it to EVERYONE.
Y’all, this marriage thing is WORK. Every day, every night, every weekend…. WORK. It is making the decision every, damn, day to wake up and love this person, forgive them, support them, promote them, console them, feed them, water them. It is not for the faint of heart but my goodness it’s wonderful. It feels so good and I can’t picture my life without my miserable, maddening, contradictory, talented, articulate, spectacular husband. I look forward to learning more lessons, falling down and getting up again, charting our course and continuing to discover the ins and outs of this dynamic #fullserviceman of mine.
Lots of Love
TeeJay
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